April 28, 2021

How to Best Pinpoint What Holds You Back from Your Greatness - BM270

How to Best Pinpoint What Holds You Back from Your Greatness - BM270

Do you want to know how to pinpoint what holds you back from your greatness?

Listen as mindset expert, Rich Oceguera shares how to stop resisting and become more mindful of your thoughts and actions.

Do you want to know how to pinpoint what holds you back from your greatness?

Listen as mindset expert, Rich Oceguera shares how to stop resisting and become more mindful of your thoughts and actions.

In this week's powerful episode "How to Best Pinpoint What Holds You Back from Your Greatness" you will discover...

  • What does it mean to create a powerful presence online
  • How to build trust and connection with your tribe
  • The role mindset and mindfulness play in how speakers, and authors present themselves
  • How to work on those fears and the inner voice that can often drive you crazy
  • Mindset mistakes to avoid
  • And, a whole lot more...

Special gift from Rich

BONUS GIFT: Mindset Magic


Jam-packed with smart, easy, and simple ideas, Book Marketing Mentors features experts who share proven techniques to add power and zest to supercharge your book marketing plan. Hosted by Susan Friedmann, CSP, international bestselling author, and founder of Aviva Publishing, this exciting podcast aims to rev up your marketing efforts with fewer struggles, and more success. Start listening today and discover how to get noticed in a crowded marketplace.


Susan Friedmann:         Welcome to Book Marketing Mentors, the weekly podcast, where you learn proven strategies, tools, ideas, and tips from the masters. Every week, I introduce you to a marketing master who will share their expertise to help you market and sell more books. Today, my special guest is Rich Oceguera. He is a best-selling author, award-winning entrepreneur and co-founder and president of New York's first ever LGBT Chamber of Commerce. Born in Los Angeles, Rich has lived in San Francisco, Chicago, New York City, and San Diego. His journey has been a bootcamp for his personal business and spiritual evolution.

                                    He interweaves 35 years of business development, speaking, teaching, and video production experience, to offer self-mastery workshops, broadcasts and training programs designed to help business owners, salespeople, and coaches create a powerful presence online. Rich has trained extensively in spiritual practices and ontological and mindfulness techniques that give him a unique edge in supporting his clients. A new friend and colleague, Rich, what an absolute pleasure it is to welcome you to the show and thank you for being this week's guest expert and mentor.

Rich Oceguera:              Hi, my pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. Excited to be here.

Susan Friedmann:         Rich, you help your clients create a powerful presence online, what exactly does that mean?

Rich Oceguera:              So, for me, when I speak about a powerful presence online or on the stage, it's really about how you're holding yourself. It's your confidence level and how you are able to connect with your audience. And whether you're on camera, which is really the angle I'm speaking of online, or if you are standing on a stage or even in a group, or perhaps one-on-one, in all of those cases, it can take some development to be able to hold yourself to be with the person or the people you're speaking with, in a way that has them feel heard and seen. And speakers who know how to do that are far more effective at creating the trust and a connection with your audience.

                                    My experience has shown me that many people, even if they think they're confident, don't know how to create that connection, and a lot of it has nothing to do with the words that you're saying. This is what I'm passionate about, is teaching people how they can create a more powerful presence so that the message that they have, their powerful message, is heard and received so they can help more people.

Susan Friedmann:         Well, this opens up lots of doors for us, Rich. So, the idea of confidence, building confidence, so that you're seen, you're heard, that you build that trust, that connection with people. How do we do that?

Rich Oceguera:              The first thing that came to mind, as soon as you said that, is listening. There's a difference between hearing the words coming out of a person, visually listening, taking in the body language of the people you're speaking with. There's a difference between hearing and actually listening. This makes me think of in Mandarin and Chinese, the character for, to listen, is actually comprised of five different components and they relate to different parts of the body, such as your ears, which most people would associate with listening, but it's so much beyond that.

                                    The eyes, the brain and the heart, and when all of these things are combined, this particular character in the Chinese language and the Mandarin language, that's how they put together the concept of listening. So, you're not just having sound go into your ear holes, but you're actually using your eyes. You're using your brain. You're using your heart. Yes, you're using your ears to take in and be with all the information that's being presented before you say something in return, that's a learned skill, I've discovered. It's something I had to learn for myself.

Susan Friedmann:         The whole idea of differentiating between listening and hearing, when I heard that for the first time, I was like, "Oh my goodness." When I have a conversation with my husband and I say to him, "You're not listening," and he repeats back verbatim what I have said. He tries to convince me that that's listening. And I said, "No, you've heard me and you can repeat back what I've said, that doesn't necessarily mean that you listened and you listened, yes, with your eyes, your brain, your heart and your ears," which I know he's a very good listener. That's one of the reasons I married him because he was one of the few people who would listen to me, but that's a whole other story. So, Rich, I know that the whole idea of mindset, mindfulness, these are very much part of your training. Talk to us about that. Talk to us about the role of mindset, the role of mindfulness in how speakers, authors, how people present themselves.

Rich Oceguera:              I'll start with mindset. We've all heard that public speaking is for many people scarier than even the idea of death. It ranks up with the things at the top of the list usually, of what people are most afraid of, and there's good reasons for that. If you ask people, if they're honest with you, what is it that they're afraid of? You'll hear things that have to do with fear. They're afraid of saying the wrong thing. They're afraid of forgetting what they're supposed to say. They're afraid of being rejected or being ridiculed for what they are saying.

                                    So, that the very idea of taking a stand, whether you're on a stage or behind your camera, or even on a podcast like this, where people can't actually see us, that same fear can still be there because we're putting ourselves out there. The choice to put a message out so that other people can hear, is a big act. Most people go through life, not doing that. They are listening to what other people have to say. They're waiting for others to give the direction.

                                    But for people who probably listen to this show, they're leaders, they would consider themselves a leader on some level in their industry or of the clients that they work with or their followers, et cetera. And leaders can only lead by taking a stand and sharing a big message, sharing a vision, a mission, a purpose, that they want others to hear and to be able to benefit from. So, to do that puts you immediately in confrontation with those underlying fears that almost seem to be innate in so many people, even confident people. Mindset work becomes important because if you don't know how to overcome or to manage, or to deal with, perhaps even eradicate the source of those fears, then you're likely to be dominated by those fears and not fully express yourself to the best of your ability.

                                    And really, especially coming from ... I'm saying this from a business perspective, if we are not sharing what we know we're here on the planet to share, then we're doing a disservice to the people who need what we have. If it's authors and the words that they're writing, or the words that they're speaking, the services that we have that can make a difference in people's lives. If we're too afraid, if we let the fear of sharing what we know or have learned, we will miss out not only ourselves, but we're having other people miss out on what could possibly change their lives. Dealing with that fear is really, for me, what mindset work boils down to and how do you do that?

Susan Friedmann:         Absolutely. It's like, how do we do that? Because obviously our listeners would like to know, because there are fears and their fears, what judgment of criticism, we want to make sure that we get it right, so we don't do anything until we're sure that we get it right. We know that maybe that may never happen exactly, but we want to prepare as much as we can. Yes. How do we work at those fears and that inner voice that can drive us crazy sometimes?

Rich Oceguera:              Oh, yes. Mine was driving me crazy today. Well, I think one of the first steps is becoming aware of the fact that those thoughts are rolling around in your head, that the fear, whatever it may be, is there. I think if I was going to put it into steps, there's the acknowledging, "Yeah. I'm scared. I'm worried about being rejected. I'm worried about saying the wrong thing." It could be different things for different people, so I'm just making things up right now. The acknowledging of it actually, versus the pretending it's not there or trying to push it away. That approach doesn't work very well because that fear has probably been there much of your life and has a lot of power. When we try to push it away or stick our fingers in our ears, so to speak, so we can't hear those voices, it doesn't work really well, if at all.

                                    An approach to take is instead, almost like turning and facing it as if you were in an alley, that's what I'm seeing in my head right now. You're in an alley and it's dark and you see some movement in a shadowy place. So, you could turn around and try to run from it, but you're still scared of it. Or you can turn and face it and say, "Hey, shadowy thing, fear. I see you and that's okay." Actually validating it and rather than trying to take the power of it away, just saying, "Hey, I see you. You're a part of me, and how are you doing?" I know that sounds crazy but most people will try to tell you that you should just escape the fear, pretend it's not there, do something to overcome it. But it's really hard to overcome something that you're pretending doesn't have power over you.

Susan Friedmann:         Yeah. It has enormous power and I think it holds you back. You were saying how people are often held back because of this and it could be these fears that have been around for maybe most of your life.

Rich Oceguera:              Yeah. I've taught a lot of courses on this and there's usually, if I'm teaching on mindset development, one of the first things we'll discuss is this aspect of the genesis of a limiting belief. When you tell yourself, "They're not going to like what I have to say," or, "I know I'm going to fail," or, "I always forget the most important part of my talk," or whatever the thing is, right? When we validate it, when we have that thing that we're so worried about, it didn't just materialize, it didn't just happen this week or even six months ago, or even probably six years ago. It was planted when you were a little kid, maybe even a baby still. And the thing about the human brain is, especially with babies, I know you're a mom, I believe.

Susan Friedmann:         I am. I'm even a grandmom.

Rich Oceguera:              You're a grandmom, okay. So, you've seen this lots of times. Babies are amazing and in their first several years, actually, while they're still in the womb, they're absorbing everything that happens around them, long before they can speak, they are absorbing everything that's happening around them. And there's actually a science that shows that this is happening in the womb. That's why it's so important that when a woman is pregnant, that she's being kind to herself in what she talks about and that the people around her are being mindful and thoughtful about what's being said, because all of those sounds are coming into the baby's brain, like a little sponge. And it gets utilized really in the form of a defense mechanism.

                                    When we're little, let's say something happens, I'm going to use the age, four years old. Maybe you've just gone for the first time to a preschool and some other little kid makes fun of your lunch pail. And at that time, it doesn't seem like it's such a big deal, but someone made fun of you and it was related to a particular object, and now your brain has registered that something's wrong. That you're somebody that people laugh at and this lunch pail is something that's no longer good because people are going to laugh at you because you have that lunch pill.

                                    And it was just a moment that happened, but it got planted like a seed in your brain. And you'd be surprised how long that seed continues to grow and how many ways you'll find validation for why people don't like you because of something that you're carrying around. As you get older, you'll find more and more agreement for, "People don't like me." And while we're not saying that out loud, all of the time, that thought process has become not just a seed, but a full grown tree in your brain, if you will. Every time you're in a situation that in any way, shape or form resembles what happened when you were in kindergarten, and you don't even remember this anymore as the genesis of it, but your brain does.

                                    So, whenever you enter a room or a situation where you have the possibility of being rejected for who you are, the brain is already in defense mode. Then we're reacting to our surroundings in a defensive mode and it's this cascading effect. And it all happens unconsciously or subconsciously really, and we're not even aware. It's just an underlying pattern, that pattern can have really damaging effects if now you're an adult and you have this great message that you want to share with the world, and it requires you to stand in front of people, on camera, or on a stage, to share with them this thing, and somewhere in your brain, you're afraid of being made fun of because of your lunch pail still.

Susan Friedmann:         Now, when you do your training with people, do you actually have them try and identify as far back as they can, what might have caused this?

Rich Oceguera:              There's different schools of thought about that. Some people go to therapy for the rest of their lives to deal with, "People don't like me," all right. And you may or may not ever get to that originating moment, but you'll talk a lot about it for years. In my view, and I've had plenty of therapy, that doesn't change your way of being when it comes to fear of being rejected in groups, in this scenario that we've made up here. For me, if you happen to have that vivid recollection, that's awesome. A lot of people won't have those recollections of something that happened, and it's not entirely necessary to go back to pinpoint that one thing because again, you could spend a lot of time trying to do that. But if you have the thought now, "People don't like me, people reject me," that's all you need to work with, to get started, because that's the belief that you actually do keep saying to yourself, "They're going to reject me. They're not going to like me. They're going to hate me."

                                    That's the thought that's happening as an adult. That is plenty to work with. And just being aware, like I was saying earlier, being able to identify that that is a belief, a limiting belief, a self-sabotaging belief about yourself, that's a good place to start. And knowing that, and knowing that you want to change that, and that you don't even believe that to be true, and you might have a lot of evidence to the contrary, right? That people do like you, plenty of people like you, not everyone is meant to like you, but enough people do. Our brain will hold onto that one person in preschool who made fun of you. If you can identify a belief, "People don't like me, people reject me. People are not going to want what I have." That right there is enough to start doing something about it, from a mindset and a training perspective.

Susan Friedmann:         And then, where does the whole idea of mindfulness fall into this, the role that plays in your way of being and all the things that you're talking about here?

Rich Oceguera:              Mindfulness is such a huge topic. Buddhist monks spend their entire lives on the quest of mindfulness, right? And the way I would describe mindfulness is being aware, is paying attention from a neutral place. And that right there, getting to that neutral place could take a lifetime, if that's part of the practice. But every time you practice, you get better and better at, or getting closer and closer to truly being able to operate in life from a place of neutrality versus constant reaction to what's happening around you.

                                    Mindfulness is the ability of being aware of what's happening in your brain, but also what's happening around you in your surroundings. It's being aware of your feelings and your emotions, your thoughts. Imagine that you're sitting on the side of a lovely hill and the sun is out and there are little white puffy clouds floating across the sky. And you're sitting on the side of this hill looking up at the sky and you notice there's clouds and they're floating by and now they're gone. Oh, there is another cloud. Now it's covering the sun. Now it's sunny again. That's a mindfulness practice that I just shared with you.

Susan Friedmann:         I'm going to have to put a warning on this that people must not be driving a vehicle when they're listening to this.

Rich Oceguera:              That's funny you say that because normally when I do teachings, I will make that disclaimer.

Susan Friedmann:         Oh, I was just like, oh my goodness, I'm being lulled into this mindful, meditative state. I was like, oh my goodness. Yes, let's come back to reality. I've got to talk to Rich.

Rich Oceguera:              Yes. That's a real practice that I've given lots of people to do. But the reason why, here we're talking about little puffy clouds, but if you think of your brain or the inner workings of the mind, the thoughts that we have, are those clouds. Sometimes they're horrendous hurricane, 100 mile an hour wind types of clouds, other times they're beautiful, white, fluffy, puffy clouds. And the brain is constantly in action on its own without us having to do anything about it, and that includes the things that we're thinking. And the brain is designed to continuously respond or to react actually, to any stimulus that's happening, whether it's visual or auditory or a smell, anything that's happening. The thought the brain has is, "Is this going to kill me? Yes or no." And then, it acts accordingly. It's very ancient, amygdala-based fight or flight response mechanisms that keep us alive as we're out and about.

Susan Friedmann:         It sounds like a plan to me. It sounds like a good plan.

Rich Oceguera:              Yes. It works well for us, and our negative or limiting thoughts are part of that automatic process. If something happens around you, that triggers a belief, it's going to trigger something. It may be something that doesn't serve you very well, that cascade of reactions is going to happen automatically without you asking it to. And that's the thing with mindfulness and mindset training, those are the reactions that we're looking to change or to disempower.

Susan Friedmann:         Disempowering, I think that's a great word to use because it's exactly what we're looking to do here. Let's just tweak that a little bit and go down the mistakes route. Our listeners love mistakes, Rich-

Rich Oceguera:              Okay. Good, I make plenty.

Susan Friedmann:         I'm not saying your mistakes, but generally, in this training and the people who you train, what are the mistakes that people make overall, the common ones that you see over and over again?

Rich Oceguera:              Well, I'll say something on the mindset front. So, just to clarify, using the same lunch pail example I made up here, I don't know, maybe that really happened to me. I don't know why that came to mind. But if you're thinking about trying to overcome a fear of being rejected, the inclination for people, if they're aware enough of it is, well, I'll just tell myself that I'm going to be okay or I'll just be strong. I'll be confident. Just those words I've used right there, just even the way I said those things. What I would say to a person who just thinks that that's all they have to do is try to be confident, they're not going to do well, because you can't override a deep-seated, limiting belief, without first acknowledging that it's there.

                                    And this might sound really crazy to some people, but even embracing it. One of the, I guess, practices that I would suggest to somebody around this, especially dealing with fears is rather than rejecting it, being repulsed by it, being angered by it, which is very common reactions to these kinds of limiting beliefs, is you got to make friends with it. Doesn't mean you like it, accept it, or plan for it to stay in power. But if you're ever going to disempower that limiting belief, you'll have a lot more success by first befriending it.

                                    So, you imagine it like a little kitten or a little puppy, even a little baby, since we were talking about babies earlier, sitting on your lap, and instead of being afraid to touch it, you actually embrace it. And you just acknowledge, okay, you're part of me currently, you're here, I know you're here and, "Hi." You exhibit some kindness and some gentleness. Really you're doing this to yourself, right? You're not beating yourself up for having that fear.

Susan Friedmann:         We do that so often.

Rich Oceguera:              Oh, yeah.

Susan Friedmann:         We do you beat ourselves up, and it's like, how dare we even have these feelings? Yeah.

Rich Oceguera:              Oh, yeah. "What's wrong with me?" Or, "I shouldn't be having this thought at this age," is something I've said many times. "I have a college education," or we'll come up with all the reasons why we shouldn't, but the fact is you do and so, just embrace it. And that actually starts the disempowering process because you're no longer resisting and pushing against it. It's fascinating how the brain works. So, a common mistake people make is they push against, they resist the limiting belief, the fear that they're dealing with, rather than embracing it and giving themselves some grace around it, while being committed to creating a different way of being instead.

Susan Friedmann:         I love that. That's beautiful. Rich, I know that our listeners would like to find out more about how they can get in touch with you, more about the different trainings that you do. Take it away, share something with us.

Rich Oceguera:              Sure. A couple of ways that you can learn more about me and what I do is, one is my website, which is richawakenings.com, rich awakenings.com. And you can read more about me there and there you can join my email list, and I do not send a lot of crazy emails out, but when I send stuff out, people enjoy it. And I have some really exciting new programs that are coming up that I'll talk about in a second. And that's one way to find out more about the mindset and mindfulness work that I do.

                                    The other place that's much more visual because of my show is here, is on my Facebook page, which is also Rich Awakenings, Facebook, just search for Rich Awakenings. I should be the only one that comes up and on that page, I stream my talk show called The Divine Urge, and there's about 39 episodes of the show there already. You can watch those. And as my new ones go into production, they'll stream right to that page as well. And so, that's where I'm usually posting positive, inspirational, useful information for people that would consider themselves more heart-centered, especially if they're in some way, shape or form, in business for themselves. Those are the kinds of folks who tend to follow me on my Facebook page.

Susan Friedmann:         That's excellent. And Rich, if you were to leave our listeners with a golden nugget, what would that be?

Rich Oceguera:              Well, I'm going to just reiterate what I was just saying about the mistake question that you asked me. The big mistake that people make is resisting the thing that they know is hindering them. And the golden nugget would be, and so few people really do this, so this is why I think it's a golden nugget, is to embrace the flaws. The things that you think are a flaw or that are keeping you from being as effective or powerful, as you know you can be, instead of fearing them or being mad at them or blaming the other people, places, things, circumstances that you think caused them in you.

                                    Let all that go and just acknowledge that they're there. They're part of who you are currently, and that there is something that you can do to transform that. That boils down to one word, and that word is willingness. If you're willing to be bigger than your fears, doubts, worries, and preconceived notions. If you're willing to be bigger than those things, then you can be, and it's possible, I'm living proof of it. And that's what I'm all about, is teaching people how to take that next step.

Susan Friedmann:         Yeah. And you're perfect the way you are. I love it. Rich, you've been amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that wisdom and touching us. I mean, you definitely touched my heart and I'm sure many of our listeners as well, so thank you. And thank you all for taking time out of your precious day to listen to this interview. And I sincerely hope that it sparks some ideas you can use to sell more books. Here's wishing you much book marketing success.